It’s almost May and I’ve only posted on MSTB twice this year. Unrealistically, I really thought that managing our house and looking after our kids would leave some time for my art, working out and keeping up with my writing. I’m not working and we have a nanny, surely it wouldn’t be that difficult! My new reality is that I have to take advantage of every moment I have. I have to multitask like I’ve never multitasked before! Years of multitasking while on conference calls didn’t prepare me for this.
I will say I’m pleasantly surprised at my level of productivity right now. Most days I get more done before 9a than I thought was possible. As I write this it’s 9:10a. Pepa is in the middle of her second nursing session today, I fed and walked Wally, fed all the kiddos breakfast, unloaded the dishwasher, washed, dried and folded a load of laundry, did some closet and office purging in prep for our move, AND managed to drink a cup of coffee that only needed to be reheated once.
Three kids is a game changer.
I knew the mental a physical strain was taking a toll, but I didn’t realize how badly until we got to Phuket when I lost my engagement and wedding rings on Mai Kao beach! I was putting sunscreen on all of the kiddos, we decided to move our location on the sand, I picked up all of our things to move to where JR was holding Pepa and I completely forgot about my rings until JR asked if I had them. I raced back to our previous spot and quickly found my wedding band. It took JR a bit longer, but he somehow found my engagement ring under the sand. I was in tears the entire time, even though JR tried to reassure me, “This is why we have insurance”. I’m sentimental and didn’t want replacement rings. I was so mad at myself for doing something so careless and not taking a moment to make sure I had everything. Later that day I spoke to him about the incident. I had be noticing for a while that my mind just wasn’t as sharp. I was frazzled, fatigued, moving from one task to the next without finishing the last. It was a tough time because Pepa was still getting up 2-3 times a night. This person wasn’t me and I was scared of what other horrible mistake she might make.
It’s definitely the main reason I haven’t been writing. How could I possibly think and reflect to write a coherent thought? The only thoughts I had in my head for months were about the baby’s sleep, the boys lack of interest in potty training, researching preschools in Cairo, worrying about producing enough milk, looking at what kinds of jobs are available for me in Cairo, etc, etc, etc. Not that the ongoing questions and running to-do list has stopped, but at least the thoughts in my head are a bit more manageable now that the baby sleeps through the night and I’m more rested. I’m really am lot better now.
So many people said, and we thought it as well, caring for one baby will be so much easier than twins. True to an extent, but caring for a baby when you have twin toddlers is a lot harder than expected. This may sound crazy, but there is element to twins that’s easier. Being the same age and gender they pretty much do the same exact thing, all day, everyday. I don’t have to plan for different activities, or different meals. They have the same eating, nap and sleep schedule. Adding a baby to the mix has me feeding, meal prepping and cooking nonstop. When the boys need to get outside mid morning to burn off energy, it’s time for Pepa to take her morning nap. When the boys go down for the nap, she needs to eat lunch. Their respective playgroups are somehow even scheduled at the same time. It’s non-stop, until they all go to bed at 7:30 and by then I’m spent. And the boys are really challenging right now. As soon as they turned three they became so loud, sassy, ignoring all direction given to them and full of boundless energy that I didn’t know was possible. And I know having to share time with their sister is tough for them. Now more than ever, they need more attention and one-on-one time with us.
This now leaves me with even less time for myself. My daily personal accomplishment is a shower and maybe a little makeup. If I get to grab coffee with a friend, I bring the baby with me because I would rather our nanny not have to deal with ALL of our kids at the same time. Workouts aren’t in the schedule. Carrying the baby is a workout in itself. JR recently called her “medicine ball’ now that she’s about 20 pounds. Weekends, without our nanny, are the hardest. I have no idea what I’d do without our her to look after the boys when I need to be with the baby. And I have no idea how I’m going to survive without her this summer back in the States. So much respect to the SAHMamas who have multiple children, not in school, and without help. God bless them.
Back when we were still in Ann Arbor, a friend complemented me, saying that I look like I have it all figured out. The truth is, I clearly don’t. I’m doing my best, but it’s hard – mentally and physically exhausting. It breaks my heart feeling torn between my babes. And selfishly I wish I had more time for the things I want and need to do for myself. And because I haven’t been working, writing, or practicing my art, I often feel VERY unaccomplished.
I know this is just a phase that will pass quickly. In a few months time we’ll be in Cairo, the boys will be in preschool (!) and I might be working (!!). I’ll look back on this time as a blur, remembering how tough is was, but with the satisfaction that we survived it. I’m sure it won’t be the hardest phase I will face with all three, but it’s that hardest I’ve been through to date.
What I learned from the early days with The Gents is this time is precious and I’ll never get it back. This time with all three is an even bigger gift. Although I wish I had more time for myself, what’s most important is that I’m continuing to prioritize my babes and making the most of the time we have together before everything changes in Cairo. Everyday is a challenge, especially with strong willed toddlers and a baby, but I’m learning, and trying, to be even more patient with them and myself.
xo