There was a time in my life that I would definitely consider myself a control freak. It wasn’t the need to plan every aspect and detail of my life or needing to be in control of every situation. I’m a planner and I wanted to know what was coming. It got to a point when I would voraciously read horoscopes thinking it would give me a heads-up to plan things. It was also about the long game. I wanted to know that my life was going to be good, that I would be happy. I would see psychics from time to time because it was reassuring to hear from someone that my family would be healthy and all would be well. I’ve read that it’s an Aries trait, the need to plan ahead and to feel more in control. I’m sure more of it has to do with my anxiety issues than anything! Knowing an eclipse was coming or when Mercury would be in retrograde wasn’t helping me though. It was just making things worse because I waiting for the bad stuff to happen. It started becoming too much in 2012 and early 2013.
Contentment came when I felt my life was falling into place. For me that was a successful career (getting my VP promotion in 2013), a partner with whom things came easy (meeting J in 2013 and we were engaged in 2014), and finally being blessed children. Although I was still struggling with some anxiety, I didn’t need the reassurance that I used to crave. Over time I’ve developed a confidence that things are going to be fine. Maybe it’s a mindset that comes with age? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not leaving things to chance. I do everything in my power to positively impact a situation. For me there have been experiences in life completely out my control giving me reason to just let go and embrace the situation, particularly planning our wedding, the Gents’ birth and J’s career.
J was previously married and for us to get married in the Catholic Church he’d have to have an annulment. It was my dream to have a traditional Catholic marriage ceremony in the Church. The short of a very long story is that the annulment didn’t come in time. Why didn’t we just wait for the annulment and then get married in the Church? It was becoming such a process that we couldn’t foresee how long it would actually take. We were beyond ready to start our life together and hopefully a family quickly, knowing that his career would take us outside of the US soon. We’ll eventually have our marriage blessed in the Church though. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Had we waited who knows when I would have gotten pregnant? And would we have The Gents today? I can’t imagine our life without these little people and their specific personalities. Even though not getting the annulment in time was a disappointment, we still had a beautiful, intimate, and REALLY special ceremony. I wouldn’t change it for anything.
So two months later I got pregnant, with twins! Amazing. This was God’s plan. I had a great pregnancy with no issues. At Week 32 C weighed 5.5 lbs and R weighed 4.5 lbs. That following week was really stressful with work and I put in 42 hours in three days. Thursday morning of my week 33 appointment I felt that something was off, but I chalked it up to be tired from work. J couldn’t make the appointment (the only one he didn’t go to) and I assured him I would be fine my own. That morning as I was getting into the shower I noticed a small amount of fluid leaking down my leg. Not one to be an alarmist, I just took it easy knowing that I was going in for my appointment that afternoon. My usually gregarious tech started the scan and I knew something was definitely wrong because he was so quiet. He then asked me if my water broke and I told him about the fluid from earlier in the day. The ultrasound doctor then came in to take a look. More silence. They finally told me that R had lost a pound since the previous week, most of the fluid in his sack had been depleted, there was low blood and oxygen flow between us, that I was immediately being admitted for the three of us to be monitored and that I would be having these babies by Saturday evening at the latest. My head was spinning. I was terrified for these guys. J wasn’t there! We weren’t ready! There were still things that needed to be finished in the nursery and prepped at home. Who was going to take care of Wally? And how was I going to get things tied up at work in time? (Yes, that last one was an actual concern.) It all worked out though. They arrived Saturday morning, tiny but healthy considering the scare we had. We knew how blessed we were compared to other families with children there. The biggest compliments we received as new parents were from doctors and nurses commenting on how chill we were and how well we handled it all. Energy is powerful and we didn’t want any negative vibes flowing to them.
And just over a week after the boys arrived J had to begin applying for positions at various Embassy posts. I will never forget him calling me from work while I was getting ready to go back to the hospital to visit the boys. We discussed and aligned on the rank order of the short list, consisting of locations all in the Middle East. I was so overcome with the day-to-day of The Gents, running back and forth to the hospital multiple times a day, pumping, trying to recuperate from the c-section and taking care of myself that I was going non-stop. I didn’t have time to think about where we might end up in a year plus. Three months later we found out we were moving to Riyadh. This is now our reality every two to three years. J will put in for a number of positions at various posts and then we’ll see what he matches with. We’re currently waiting to find out where we’re going in 2019. I do get a say in where he applies. For us to live this life the deal is that the company I work for has to have an office in any post location he applies, in hopes that I can find a position when we arrive. Other than that, it’s completely out of my control. And it’s kind of awesome. Yes, a little nerve-wracking, but there’s also something liberating and exciting about it! What matters the most is that we’re all together and safe.
I'm so grateful for these experience and the awareness of learning from them. Each has made me much more carefree. Believe me, I have had my share of freak-out moments consisting of anger, sadness, and worry all rolled into one during each. I certainly didn’t see it at the time when they were all happening, especially when my anxiety was at its peak (with the culmination of a cancer scare and the miscarriage) right before our Saudi move. Hindsight really is 20/20 though. Looking back, I firmly believe each of these major hurdles and life changes has helped me with my anxiety and retraining me to deal with things in an entirely different way. As I’m physically and mentally prepping for #3 I know I’ve got a lot to get done. Thankfully two big pieces of the of puzzle, finding a place to stay and a ob-gyn in Ann Arbor, came together late last night. Now I can focus on, baby prep, travel logistics and finding summer activities for The Gents. It could have been stressful right now, but I’m doing everything in my power to make it come together. No matter what struggles we face as a family, I stay positive and impact what I can. I know it will work out because it always does.