The last six months have been crazy and devastating when you recall the various mass shootings, Trump (in general), and the events leading to the #MeToo #TimesUp movements. Commentary has been made about the fact that most of the violent attacks are made by young men. And in most instances of sexual harassment or assault the acts are committed by men. I touched on this in an earlier post, wanting to raise The Gents as kind, respectful and empathic men.
When we started telling people that we’re having a girl the majority of responses were something to the effect of how great it will be having J and The Gents to protect her. Absolutely true! It’s going to be so sweet. It’s funny, even in this very progressive time, we still revert back to the role of men being to protect women. I’m guilty of it as well. Coincidentally, after I started writing this post, one of J’s coworkers came up to give me a congratulatory hug and apologize for making the similar comment of "the boys protecting their sister". She was quickly corrected by another woman in their office who said that "She will do fine taking care of herself!" I guess I’m not the only one who has an opinion about this. In this current social climate, I can’t help but be reminded of the importance of raising her to be a strong and independent woman, like I was raised.
Yes, I have a father and brother who have always looked out for me. The truth of the matter is that my parents divorced when I was seven. I was raised by my mother more than my father because I only saw him every other weekend. I didn’t really get to spend quality time with my dad on weekends until I was in junior high and then see him on a more frequent basis until I was in high school. My brother, six years older than me, was my daily male role model and toughened me up at a young age. I was the little brother he never had. We had one year when we were in the same Catholic school together. When he graduated high school and left for the Army I was twelve. I didn’t have a consistent physical male protector, but I had strong people around me who instilled confidence and independence at an early age. Which reminds me of a Gloria Steinem quote that I keep seeing lately…
“We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.”
It’s brilliant and spot on. For decades we ladies have been told that we’re equal to men, we’re just as smart and talented, we’re not the lesser sex, we’re strong and amazing beings capable of having a career AND bearing children (or not if we choose), that we can achieve whatever our hearts desire, that we should respect ourselves, never sacrifice our wants and needs for a man, and absolutely never let a man put his hand on us or take advantage of us. These are things we will instill in our daughter as well.
So what happened to the boys who became these broken men, capable of such gruesome violent acts and disgusting behavior against women and men? I'm only speculating, but I think as girls became stronger some boys were told to get tougher. This subset of boys were told not to cry, given specific toys to play with, told be interested in “manly” things, to physically defend themselves when being picked on and if they didn’t do these things they’d be called the ultimate insult – a “girl”, “sissy” or “gay”. The ‘80s and ‘90s, even part of the ‘00s, were really harsh. I cringe thinking back to the insults kids and adolescents would sling at each other.
Clearly this is still an issue. This topic has been weighing heavy on my mind as of late and more articles have surfaced recently in relation. The Cut recently did a weeklong series on raising boys. It’s hard not to juxtapose these videos with the “Like a Girl” campaign and feel what for these little boys are going through as well. Now more than ever, it’s evident that some attention needs to be paid to them and this topic.
So going back to my family dynamic, with our parents being divorced, my brother lived junior high through high school with a houseful of women. We joke about how tough is must have been for him, but he will attest that it had a positive impact and made him more attune to the other sex. He’s a tough guy, but one of the kindest and caring people I know. Similarly, spent a lot of time with just his mother and sister because his father often worked long hours. J will fully admit to being a bit of a “mama’s boy”, but I’m often struck by his sensitivity and compassion. I’m not saying that boys have to be surrounded by women in order to be sensitive human beings, but there’s something to be said about a strong and caring influence, whether male or female, to nurture compassionate characteristics that some boys are told to repress.
As I’ve written about before I firmly believe that children, even infants, are individuals and should be treated as such. The difference in sexes creates even more complexities. It’s not just how we treat them but also how we conduct ourselves because these little beings copy everything we do. In my mere two years with The Gents I think what I’ve learned are the most important traits to demonstrate with a child is presence, unconditional love, respect, and support. These extend to a partner, family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers to a degree. Kids need to see their parents, as well as extended family and caregivers, being kind with all people.
One of the sweetest things I’ve seen is the way The Gents’ faces light up when J and I hug and kiss one another. R will come up and wrap his arms around our legs and both love to give kisses. They barely say any words, but they say “thank you”. They share with other kids. They’ve never struck another child (although they do tackle each other!). I know these are small things, and we have a looooong way to go, but the positive behavior has to start somewhere and early.
So when this baby girl arrives I have no doubt these boys will protect their little sister and as she grows older she’ll also take care of herself. As they grow into adolescents and adults I hope they all demonstrate the positive attributes they’ve seen and will continue to see in me, and J, because what this world needs now, and for future generations, is a lot more kindness.