One of the funniest questions I think we get from other people about the Gents is “How do you tell them apart?” This has never been a problem for us. Since the day they were born they’ve looked different. I mean there was a 1.5lb size difference. Yes, they obviously look like brothers, but certainly not identical twins. I can understand how people might not see it immediately though and really have to study their faces to tell the differences. How could an outsider know the nuances in weight, height, hair and facial features?
Physical characteristics aside, now that the Gents are 21 months (!) what’s becoming even more distinct between the two of them is their personalities. I could tell C&R apart even within the womb. C was in the same position the entire pregnancy, to the right and bottom of my belly, staking his claim to be the first of this twinset to enter the world. Royce on the other hand was all over the place comfortably resting on my left side, contorting himself, somersaulting, then sitting his bum on top of C’s head and ultimately cramming himself up in my rib cage the morning of their delivery. It was almost as if he just couldn’t find the exit out.
Their commonalities quickly became known in the NICU – feisty and demanding, but sweet cuddlers. Nurses would comment, “Wow! They have no problem letting us know what they want.” I’m glad they were assertive at days young and not afraid to speak up. I was a shy child so I’m glad they’re nothing like me in that respect. As much as they have similar characteristics, we quickly recognized the differences of these two beings and even more so soon after they came home. C often needed more attention and fussed quite a bit. While I held and tried to soothe C, R would just look at me contently as if he understood that his big brother needed me in that moment. At that point R was already more patient, super smiley, even in his sleep, and liked cuddling with stuffed animals.
These traits have continued to develop. C is a little more independent, but when he wants our attention he lets us know! He’s also tougher to calm when he does get upset. Royce is still the more easy going of the two, but let's me know that he wants to be picked up and cuddled when I walk through the door after work. C is a silly flirt, often flashing a big smile, and giving his snacks to others. R is sensitive and attune, trying to distract Carter with a toy when he’s upset. C is a joker, often messing with Royce and pushing his buttons. R only puts up with it for so long though until he physically retaliates. I think R is now growing tired of being the patient, nice guy!
Early in my pregnancy I read a multiples parenting book that had a chapter on being mindful of seeing and treating each as individuals and giving them their own one-on-one time. This now seems like a no brainer in hindsight, but when I read it a was an AHA! moment for me. I took these words to heart and I’m very conscious of it. We’re all unique individuals, and their individuality shouldn’t be discounted because of their age and especially not because they shared a womb for 33.5 weeks.
For instance, each demands their own time with me. Now that I’m going into the office I try to spend as much time as possible with them when I’m home and have a free moment. Before I leave in the mornings I sit with them while they eat breakfast. When I get home from work they greet me at the door. I drop my bag and abaya immediately to sit on the dining room floor with them. We play for as long as possible before I need to walk Wally and change my clothes to workout. And when we return from our workouts we hang out until it’s time to take their bath. In any of these instances one of the boys will plop himself on me to be tickled, play airplane, sung to or just be held. Often both will try to crawl all over me, but one will often get frustrated and start whining, demanding his own time. Carter is especially impatient with this. Sometimes he withholds affection from me or will take his frustration out on Royce. It took a few times for me to realize what he was doing, but it’s something I’ve learned I can correct.
Much like when they came home from the hospital, Carter needed more from us. He may always be like this, but I’m glad I recognize it now so that I can give him the attention that he needs. Often it’s as easy as picking him up, walking and talking to him, going to the kitchen to get a snack, a few moments of alone time and he’s fine. It does make me mindful of who I sit next to we have meals, how much cuddle time I’m giving to each, and making them both feel like they’re getting enough Mama time. When I’m doing this right one will obligingly walk away for a bit, knowing that they will soon get their own time with me in a few minutes. I’m in awe that they already understand and know this.
I often think about when I started developing interpersonal skills, personally and professionally, learning how to engage certain personalities differently to take people’s character traits into consideration in order to have a positive and productive relationship. This is the same approach I take to parenting. Yes, I believe in consistency and discipline with them. If they’re behaving poorly they should be reprimanded accordingly, but each has their nuances to be finessed.
Recently I learned that they understand a timeout. C kept playing with the water cooler, turning the water on, letting it run, and creating a puddle of water on the floor. Their playing with the water cooler scares me because the hot water could burn them. Finally I had enough, sat him on the floor, and instructed him to sit and stay. I recently read an article about getting down to the level when speaking with your child so I figured I’d give it a try. I explained to him what I was doing and why. I walked away for a minute, then went back to him to repeat why I had put him on timeout and told him “I love you”. He then stood up and hugged me! We have had a number of timeouts since. Sometimes he gets upset and starts crying, but all I have to do is get down to his level, calmly speak with him and he usually calms down quickly. AMAZING!
As previously mentioned, R is the more sensitive of the two. If you look at him a certain way or speak in a harsh enough tone it will make him cry. We can see it coming, too. His eyes will lower to the floor and his bottom lip slowly pushes out. It’s the cutest and saddest thing I’ve ever seen. The Gents are getting to this stage where they play fight. They actually laugh when they smack each other! And now that they’re hanging out with other kids on the regular I don’t want to take the chance of one of them “play” slapping, hitting, or kicking another kid. So I’m trying to keep this behavior in check. Last week I put R on timeout for slapping C, this time making C cry. After I spoke with him and we hugged it out I asked him to apologize to C. I know this is asking a lot of a 21 month-old, but we need to start good habits. There was no apology, rather they just giggled at each other and Royce followed me in the kitchen. I said to him, in a serious tone as I was standing at the stove making dinner, “I would like it if you two stopped hitting one another. It’s not very kind.” His pouty face emerged and I knew the tears were coming if I didn’t act quickly. So I immediately got down to his level, softened my tone, and said, “I’m not mad at you. I’m just letting you know how I feel and would appreciate you being nicer to each other.” His frown loosened and he was back to normal. It’s wonderful what they can comprehend, even just from tone.
Their personalities are distinct and wonderful. It’s work to observe and internalize who they are, but I’m willing and happy to put in the effort to figure out the best approach for each of them. It’s definitely trial and error, but I know we’re going to be entering a whole new challenging period soon enough when they turn two so it’s good we’re starting a communication process now! We try to be emotionally present with the Gents, aware of and respectful of their wants and needs. Like all kids, they have their tougher moments, but I think C&R are really good little boys. I love who they are, even their more challenging aspects. They’re helping me grow as a person, be more aware of how I can improve, and be a better Mama. I’m sure I’ll have more obstacles and lessons to share along the way, but I’m already proud of the little gentlemen they’re becoming.